Dear Characters of Harry Potter
by nerdyninjaunicorn
Summary: What is Hermione's opinion of Dramione? How did Voldemort lose his nose? Are these questions you've asked yourself? Do you have more? If so, read this story, and feel free to submit questions! Hilarity will ensue. Also includes the sexy Weasley twins.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you see here. It belongs to my queen, Joanne Rowling.**

_Dear Hermione,_

_What do you think about Dramione fanfics?_

_-a curious fan_

Dear Fan,

To be perfectly honest, I'm not thrilled. Me? And Malfoy? Dating/marrying/being shag mates? Ew. Just ew. Gingers are my type, not ex-ferrets who clearly put more effort into looking like Neon Tree's lead singer.

Also, what's with Ron recieving so much hate in these stories?

To summarize it all, I don't support Dramione. Romione all the way.

-Hermione Granger-Weasley

::

_Dear Voldemort,_

_What happened to your nose?_

_-Just Curious_

__Dear Curious,

Let's just say I had a bad experience one night with Bellatrix Lestrange, a spell with a reaction similar to a firework, and one of Lucius Malfoy's peacocks.

-Lord Voldemort

**A/N: Welcome to my newest story, Dear Harry Potter Characters! Submit a question to me, nerdyninjaunicorn, and you questions to whatever Harry Potter character out there shall be answered and all you have to do is review! I may post another chapter tonight if I met with reviews (:**


	2. Chapter 2

**__****_A/N: Thanks for reviewing so I won't have to improv! Now we have Enchiladas and Coco Black's questions answered!_**

**__**_Dear Snape,_

_What type of shampoo do you use? Do you condition?_

_From, Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,-

If you must know what shampoo I use, I use Aussie. It does wonders to the hair. As for if I condition or not, I used to, but I'm currently trying to create a potion for it, since no other condition made it soft and shiny. The potion, which I am testing currently, makes my hair shiny, but not soft.

- Severus Snape

::

_Dear Sirius,_

_What do you think of the fics where you have a daughter?_

_From, Coco Black_

Dear Coco Black,

You know, it gave me quite a shock. It's a bit insulting, especially in the ones where I got her mother pregnant at Hogwarts, seemingly abandoned her, and my daughter shows up out of the blue, seeing as if I were to get someone pregnant Hogwarts *which isn't very likely*, I would not leave them. But I always kind of wanted a family its just that I never really had time. You know, Order, Azkaban, Order again before finally dying, I never had a chance to.

Sincerely, Sirius Black

P.S. Are you some sort of relative of mine?

**A/N: Don't forget to submit questions, or leave a regular review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: And I'm baaaaaaack! Yup, 2 updates in one day, what? I have freaky fast updating, I could rival Jimmy Johns! **

**This is what I love about stories like this. I'm allowed to be ridiculous! Or, if you'd rather, myself!**

**I'm gonna change things up a bit so I have longer chapters, so there shall be 4 letters per chapter (:**

**By the way, I still don't own Harry Potter *weeps***

_Dear Fred,_

_What do you think of Fremione?_

_-100hogwartsstreet_

Dear 100hogwartsstreet,

Well, you know, Hermione's a bit too caught up in the books for me. But I mean, we ALL know what ginger she was referring to in her letter. The women just love me too much. So I reckon that if she had one night with me, she'd drop those books like it was a bag of flaming dog poop.

Sexily yours, Fred Weasley *insert wink*

::

_Dear Purebloods *mostly Neville and Trixie*_,

_Is there a reason why your surnames are so ridiculous?_

_-arknox44327_

Dear arknox443275,

WE HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER! JK ROWLING SELECTED THEM FOR US!

Signed,

All the Purebloods

Dear arknox443275,

Yeah, what it says above. I really hated being saddled with Longbottom.

-Neville "My Last Name Sucks" Longbottom

Dear arknox443275,

How DARE you suggest my last name is ridiculous! Die, mudblood!

-Bellatrix Lestrange

**The author would like to point out she tried to make Mrs. Lestrange behave rationally, which resulted in Mrs. Lestrange attempting to use the Cruciatus curse on her, so she had to buy Mrs. Lestrange some Poptarts, to bribe/make ammends with her.**

**_::_**

_Dear Harry,_

_I do support you and Ginny, don't worry! But is it a sort of Potter thing to go for redheads? I mean, your mum was red head..._

_-arknox443275_

Dear arknox443275,

You know, I'm not sure. I suppose I'll have to keep an eye on James and Al, see what hair color the girls they end up with are.

Regards, Harry Potter

::

_Dear Hermione,_

_Can you punch Malfoy again?_

_-arknox443275_

Dear arknox443275,

Gladly. However, Weasley may be in the line of fire *glares at Fred*.

Sincerely, Hermione Granger

**A/N: And that's a wrap! Thanks guys for reading, and as always, don't be shy to submit!**

**I'll start a reviewer challenge now, for this story; what hair color do you think I have? Leave responses in your reviews!**

******By the way, I might just update again, and if I do, I'll have some help from my best friend and occasional editor, Enchiladas! So take THAT, Jimmy Johns!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I've updated yet again, with the amazing Enchiladas! Let's give her a hand, folks!** **Currently, she is singing about her obsession with eBay, but she is helping me with this. Soooooooo...yeah. **

**__**_Dear dead!Dumbledore,_

_Is your party a fancy party with Grindlewald?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

Why, yes, it is *smiles dreamily off in space* in fact, we would have champagne, and candles and _*nerdyninjaunicorn's eye widens as Dumbledore attempts to continue before hastily whispering in his ear*_ What? I'm supposed to keep this T rated? Oh. Well, never mind then! I'll just tell Gellert about our...plans.

Partying hard, Dumbledore

::

_Dear Snape and Hermione,_

_Are you as disgusted as I am that people ship you two together?_

_-Enchiladas_

::

Dear Enchiladas,

I find it simply revolting that anybody pairs me with a student, especially that annoying Granger girl.

-Severus Snape

Dear Enchiladas,

Snape is twice my age. Of course I'm disgusted.

-Hermione Granger

::

_Dear Sirius,_

_OMG WHY DID YOU DIE- *a-HEM* I mean, why did you put yourself in a such a dangerous situation when you knew Harry needed you?_

_-Aria Saeyen_

Dear Aria,

You know, I have absolutely no idea. I was on CRACK!

-Sirius

::

_Dear Sirius,_

_Why so serious? _

_-The Joker_

Dear Joker,

Fuck you.

-Sirius Black

**A/N: My friend and I are listening '50s music, and some of them sounded REALLY wrong, but then we made the mistake of clicking on a sad song. It's called "My Way", by Frank Sinatra. Tear inducing. We're listening to sad songs now. :( reviews=smiles.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I update for you lovely viewers once again. I'm pleased by your questions, you've submitted some rather good ones! **

_Dear Umbridge,_

_Did you have a crush on Filch?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

While I admit, Filch is quite attractive, and he has a nice bum, he's too much of a a lady's man for me. No, the only man for me is Cornelius Fudge.

-Delores Umbridge

::

_Dear Draco, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, Lupin, Voldemort, and Tom Riddle Jr.,_

_What do you a, think of the "legendary" fanfic My Immortal and b, how you were portrayed in it?_

_-Saeryen, the cat adoring one_

_*runs away before Snape, Voldemort, and Tom Riddle curse me*_

Dear Saeryen,

My Immortal was the worst thing ever! When I discovered that I was in it, I told my father about it angrily. I think someone who that I, Draco Malfoy, would smoke, have a homosexual relationship with Potter, have a sexual relationship with a "goff" and wear eyeliner must have some serious issues that no non-professional can heal.

-Draco Malfoy

:

Dear Saeryen,

I vomitted after I read My Immortal. All the three ways and the freaking Vampire Potter thing got to me. I thought at first, near the beginning, Voldemort wrote this to weaken me, but I realized he would have never used his former self as a character, or mutilate himself beyond recognition.

-Harry Potter

:

Dear Saeryen,

The spelling errors, the improper grammer, not to mention NOBODY was acting in character was bad enough, the monstrosity of the "plot" was almost worse. Actually, it was. I would never be a Slytherin, or a Satanist, not to mention, I am NOT a vampire, and my last name isn't Smith. That terrible character that is supposedly me offends the wonderful last name Smith.

-Hermione Granger

:

Dear Saeryen,

It was hilarious...until we got to that part about me being in this Enoby's band, or whatnot. For once in my life, I realized that I LIKE my hair, when I see how freaking insane otherwise.

-Ron Weasley

:

Dear Saeryen,

I thought McGonagall had sent me this because it was someone's mess of a Transfiguration test. However, when I came to, I laughed nervously and proceeded to crawl underneath my desk and hug myself, rocking back and forth. Oh, those crappy lemons! Those disgusting grammer errors, the revolting mispellings, the out of character characters! It was too much for me. Let me make it clear that I swear whenever I feel like swearing, not when I have a headache, because I am Dumbledore, and I do what I want.

-Albus Percival Wulfic Brian Dumbledore *take THAT, Ebony!*

:

Dear Saeryen,

My Immortal was a monstrosity. I was in character, for the most part, until Lupin and sat outside this "Ebony" girl's bathroom window with a camcorder. Trust me, I DO have taste *thinks of Lily*. Then, when Lupin and I apparently had a sexual relationship, I about died. Trust me, even if I were gay, I'd still have taste *eyes Tom Riddle Jr.*

-Severus Snape

:

Dear Saeryen,

My Immortal was a piece of complete and utter SHIT! That's the nicest thing I can say about it! It was complete CRAP. Whoever wrote must have been higher than a kite because I do not say "thee" or "thou" or any of that! I would love to learn how to make a "dude ur so retarded" face though.

-Lord Voldemort

:

Dear Saeryen,

I AM NOT A GOFF, A SATANIST, OR BI! I am the Dark Lord! You know how Justin Bieber had his first love when he was thirteen? Well I was plotting world domination when I was thirteen! Big whoop, Bieber! If I'm going to for some bizarre reason sleep with a WOMAN *even the Dark Lord has his preferences*, I would seduce HER, NOT the other way around. Besides, it's impossible for me to love. And this said woman I'd sleep with, she'd have to have intellegence, and be evil. Like Bellatrix Lestrange. Not some idiotic, moronic crackhead who wears too much makeup. Besides, the 80's? I had killed the Potter's by that point. And SHE MADE THE BEATLES "GOFFICK"! I hated that girl even more after that stunt. And just out curiousity, why the HELL was a store clerk at some goffick store!?

-Tom Riddle Jr.

::

_Dear Draco and Harry,_

_What do you think of Darry?_

_-finalun 11_

Dear finalun 11,

Oh, HELL no! I would NEVER ever EVER date Potter, even if my life depended on it!

- A steamed Draco Malfoy

Dear finalun 11,

Are you kidding me? No. Just...no.

-Harry Potter

::

_Dear Cedric,_

_You know what would make you really hot? Sparkles._

_-Bella_ Swan

_****_Dear Bella Swan,

No.

-Cedric Diggory

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter *sobs*, Twilight *cheers*, or My Immortal *throws a party**

**A/N: Well, there we go! You know the routine. Submit questions, review, all that jazz.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I got a haircut (: I now feel even more like an anime character. Which, I did before. Also, my friend and her kind of sort of boyfriend are now official so YAYUH! They make an absolutely adorable couple.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be furiously writing the next installment of Harry Potter, probably something to do with Albus Potter *drools***

_Dear 14 year old Harry Potter,_D

_Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?_

_Love, Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

Yeah, that'd work out great. Ron and I are having trouble finding dates, a lot of the girls are taken. Do you have a friend that would be interested to go with Ron? *_nerdyninjaunicorn waves her arms around yelling "I'LL GO TO THE YULE BALL WITH RON WEASLEY!"*_ Oh, nevermind, looks like that's settled. So, I'll pick you up at seven?

-14 year old Harry Potter

::

_Dear Luna,_

_What do you think of the ship Nuna or Luneville?_

_From, Coco Black_

Dear Coco Black,

It's a bit strange, the thought of Neville and me...at first. But then it makes perfect sense. In fact, I'm dating Neville right now.

-Luna Lovegood

::

**A/N: I'm u****sing the movieverse for the one above because I think that's one of the things the movie got right. Viva la Nu********na!**

**********__**_  
__Dear Draco,_

_How long did you spend on your hair today?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

Probably three and half hours, but that's none of you're business, you filthy little mudblood!

-Draco Malfoy

::

_Dear Gilderoy Lochart,_

_Do you use Crest Whitening Strips, or do you get them professionally whitened?_

_-Enchiladas_

__Dear Enchiladas,

*eyes widen* How did you know about my Crest Whitening Strps? Well, no matter, OBLIVIATE!

-Gilderoy Lockhart, winner of Witch Weekly's Best Smile Award for 5 years in a row

**A/N: Submit, dear viewers, SUBMIT! By the way, to Aria Saeryen, I loved doing the My Immortal chapter, that was a great question!**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N:** Ermahgurd, I justs started school, like, yesterday. Not fun. Especially since I haven't gotten to see the sexy ginger that I just so happen to have a crush on yet, so :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter? Well I did not know that. Excuuuuuuuse me!**

_Dear Draco,_

_HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A MUDBlOOD, YOU_ MUDBLOOD!_ I HAPPEN TO BE A PUREBLOOD OF THE HIGHEST CALIBRE! SUCK ON THAT!_

_-Enchilad__as_

Dear Enchiladas,

Prove it. Mail it to Draco Malfoy via owl {make sure to address the envelope as "Sir Sexy"} and send me your family tree.

Suck on THAT.

-Draco Malfoy, aka Sir Sexy

::

_Dea Professor Trelwany, _

_GRIM!_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

WHERE?

-Professor Trelwany

Unfortunately, the professor was unable to leave any further comment, due to the fact Sna- excuse me, PROFESSOR Snape- demands to know as to why she is adressed as a professor, and he is not.

::

_Dear Mrs. Norris,_

_I want to be your friend. Here, have a homemade catnip mouse sock._

_From, Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

Meow!

Your friend, Mrs. Norris

::

_D_e_ar Fred,_

_Will you be my boyfriend?_

_Love, one of your fangirls who, for the record is NOT Ninja here *blushes*_

Dear Ninja,

You know, I'd love to, but I'm not quite ready for a serious relationship yet. I enjoy the bachelors life, if you know what I mean *winks* but I wouldn't mind maybe snogging in a broom cupbourd (:

_Dear Fred,_

_*dies* YES!_

_-Ninja_

**A/N: Yup, guys, my mysterious ginger man is Fred. You got me. Just kidding (:**

**So, yeah, I'm going by Ninja now because typing nerdyninjaunicorn is a pain in the arse. Make sure to review, submit, and stay away from drugs.**

**-Ninja**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Whilst I belt the chorus to "Ebony and Ivory", I will write this chapter. By the way, this has the same amount of reviews as my other story "Dead as a Doornail." So, feel free to check it out if the idea strikes your fancy.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be writing another book about Ron and Hermione after the war. Not writing FanFiction for a series I apparently own.**

_Dear Draco,_

_I CAN'T FUCKING SEND YOU MY FAMILY TREE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

I'm telling my father about this!

-Draco Malfoy

P.S.: You didn't address me as Sir Sexy. Shame. On. You.

P.P.S: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

::

_Dear Snape,_

_The reason I don't call Professor is because...because *sobs* YOU'RE MY FATHER!_

_Your daughter, Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

FUCK. One night of wild CENSORED sex with Lily and she gets knocked up? FUCK!

Your...Father.

::

_Dear Minister Fudge,_

_You've got the wrong man. Peter Pettigrew is alive and hiding._

_Sincerely, Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

Nonsense. What do you mean? Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unimportant things to attend to instead of paying attention to things that actually matter. I have a habit of denying truth and instead believe that I am right about everything.

Sincerely, Cornellius Fudge

::

_Dear Tom Riddle Sr.,_

_Your former wife had a son and then died. Go raise your son as your own, or the whole world will pay._

_Sincerely, the Greek gods_

_P.S: Really_

Dear Gods,

Why me? What the hell did I do deserve all of this? I mean, first I find out my wife is a bloody witch, then the gods come after me! WHY?!

-Tom Riddle Sr.

**A/N: Aaaaand that concludes this chapter. Hope you all enjoy, and don't forget to review/submit! Reviewer challenge: What Harry Potter character are you most like**

**By the way, I got Joker shoes XD**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This officially my most popular story now! *cheers* YAYUH! *does dance* Ahem. Anyhoo, as a celebration of my great accomplishment, I present you with what I am calling the Romione chapter; the chapter designated to Ron, Hermione, and their relationship. It also happens to be my HP OTP (:**

**Disclaimer: I think you get it by now.**

_Dear Hermione,_

_Thank you for being so BA. You made my childhood sassy._

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

I am honored you think so highly of me. I admit, being sassy was never my true intention, but nonetheless, I appreciate it.

-Hermione Granger-Weasley

::

_Dear Ron, _

_Do you ever get full?_

_-Enchiladas_

__Dear Enchiladas,

Um, yeah, I guess I do get full. It's happened, like once or twice, I think.

-Ron

::

_Dear 11 year old Ron,_

_What do you say if I tell you that you marry Hermione someday? Oh! And you're going to have two children!_

_-Nefilim_

Dear Nefilim,

WHAT?! Is this something Fred and George put you up to? You're joking, right? Her?

-Ron Weasley

::

_Dear Ron and Hermione,_

_WHY DID!'= YOU TWO HAPPEN SOONER?!_

_Your biggest supporter, Ninja_

Dear Ninja,

It's not quite my fault. If Ron hadn't been too preoccupied in snogging Lavender, maybe we may have began dating sooner.

-Hermione

Dear Hermione,

Oi, what's this about Lavender? You're the one who fraternized with the enemy? Does the name "Viktor Krum" ring a bell?

-Ron

_Ron and Hermione begin squabbling in the background as Ninja mouthes "Wait for it!"_

_Ten minutes later:_

Dear Ron,

UGH! You're so frusterating! I LOVE YOU!

-Hermione

Dear Hermione,

I LOVE YOU TOO!

-Ron

_Dear Ron and Hermione,_

_*FANGIRLS*ASDFGHJKL!_

_-Ninja_

**A/N: Oh, Romione, how I love you two. Did you know that my best friend and I find that comparing the guy you like and yoursef to Ron and Hermione the greatest honor? Yeah, I've compared her and her man *because I mentioned that I felt bad for Harry for having to feel like the third wheel* and she compared me and my man to Romione *by the hair color as well as the fact I'm a mega genius and he eats a lot, and some how remains skinny*. When she said that, I choked on my granola bar and began laughing for like a solid 5 minutes.**

**...oooookay, so don't forget to submit/review! **


	10. Chapter 10

A/N:** Kay, so I'm going to kill 5 birds with one stone. I apologize for stupid mistakes, I'mt yping this up on the bus and hoping that this one dude will get off the bus soon. He's kinda creeping me out...**

**Disclaimer: I do not possess the beautifull rights to Harry Potter.**

_Dear all Marauders except for Pettigrew,_

_Listen, I like all three of you, but...WHY ON EARTH DID YOU NOT APOLOGIZE TO SNAPE, EH?!_

_-Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

Well, um, you see, uh, yeah, well we, uh, well yeah.

-James Potter

Dear Saeryen,

Uh, well see here, I...gotta run!

-Sirius

Dear Saeryen,

I don't really know what to say for an apology. It was a very disappointing thing, and I am not proud of myself for that. Quite frankly, I find it too embaressing to ever wish of speaking of it.

-Remus Lupin

::

_Dear Professor McGonagal,_

_What is your relationship like with Sirius and Dumbledore?_

_-wolfstreak_

Dear wolfstreak,

I've always viewed Dumbledore as one of the greatest men to have everlived, and I am very honored to have had him as an employer. As for Mr. Black, as a student, he was quite rambunctious, but he had a sense of humor. Later, as he matured, he grew to be a very brave and admirable man. I admit, after both their deaths, I found myself in tears, which is something doesn't happen often.

-Professor McGonagal

::

_Dear Emo!Draco,_

_What book/song to read/listen when Hermione rejects you?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

Normally in my state of depression, I find myself listening to Evanessance while reading Twilight. Are you kidding me? Granger would no reject ME. I am Draco Malfoy, Slytherin's almighty Sex God, and she's just a bushy haired Mudblood bookworm.

-Draco Malfoy

::

_Dear Rita Skeeter,_

_Why is your Animagus form a beetle? I mean, it could be a pretty ladybird, a beautiful butterfly, or even a dragon fly or cricket. Why a beetle? *I don't like beetles*_

_-Nefilim_

_P.S. Yes , I know you are an illegal Animagus._

Dear Nefilim,

Well, apparently, as an Animagus, you can't be Ringo Starr, unfortunately. I found this out the hard way.

-Rita Skeeter

P.S How?

::

_Dear Lily and James,_

_How did the two of you finally get together? And what do you think of the lots of "how they got together" fics?_

_-Nefilim_

Dear Nefilim,

Well, in seventh year, we obviously saw a lot more of each other, Head duties and all. Well, during patrols, I learned that underneath that arrogant, cocky facade, James Potter was a great guy. A lot of the stories that are out there are pretty accurate.

-Lily Potter

Dear Nefilim,

I'm not sure how we got together, really. It seemed like she just fell in love with me overnight. Not that I'm complaining (:

-James Potter

::

_Dear Professor McGonagal,_

_What is the worse mispelling of your last name?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

The worst spelling of surname is found within that vulgar atrocity called "My Immortal". I can't tell you the exact one, but McGoogle is definately in the top ten.

-Professor McGonagall

::

**A/N: Woohoo! Now don't forget to review/submit! **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hey! So, my friend, SydneyBarney is over and we are watching Downton Abbey and watching the sexy Rob James Collier *drools***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I'm trying get the rights to Ron Weasley, however.**

_Dear Harry and Snape,_

_What do you think the SnapeHarry mentor fics where Snape adopts Harry?What do you think of stories where you live in a different country?_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

Ugh! I don't want to live with Snape! He's a greasy git until the very last book, because that's when I officially gained respect for him. And th fics where I live in a different country are interesting to say the least. I kind of like them, actually.

-Harry Potter

Dear Guest,

EXCUSE ME, MR. POTTER? DETENTION AND FORTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! Ahem. I don't believe raising James Potter's spawn would be a pleasant experience. The thought revolts me. And living itself is a torture. I don't think that living in another country would change that.*proceeds to angst, and pulls out his diary*

-Severus Snape

::

_Dear Sirius,_

_Was it really bad at your house when you were young? Were you and James friends from the start? What about you and Remus?_

_Love, Akozu Heiwa_

Dear Akozu Heiwa,

Eh, I suppose that my house wasn't the best to grow up in when I was younger, prejudices and whatnot. I remember I actually fell for their narrow, shallow beliefs until I met James. We hit it off quite well. His mother actually is a relative of mine, but she was disowned after she married Charlus. I met him on the first day of Hogwarts, and he really changed my mind. I guess I got along well with Remus, but we really didn't quite become as good of friends until he told us about his "furry little problem" but I really got to know him better after that.

-Sirius Black

::

_Dear Harry, _

_What do you think of the fics where the Dursleys are brutally murdered?_

_-Shinobi of the Satchigan_

Dear Shinobi,

I'm all for it! No, not really, that's kind of messed up, not to mention, they ARE family. After all, Dudley did reform eventually.

-Harry Potter

::

_Dear Barty Crouch Jr.,_

_Are you the Doctor? If so, MARRY ME NOW. Actually, marry me anyways._

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

We regret to inform you that seeing as Mr. Crouch's soul has been extracted, he has no way to deliver your message. However, his nurse, who goes by Miz Liz, has a message in regards to the message. "_Hey Mika, leave the men with no souls to me ;D yes, I did make a ginger joke. Sue me."_

_-_Saint Mungo's Hospital

P.S.: You do realize Mr. Crouch is a patient, not a doctor, right? If not, I'm sure we have a place you here.

::

_Dear Peter Pettigrew,_

_I once read a disturbing fic that you were called Wormtail...because of disturbing things involving your...you know what, I'm not gonna say it! Anyways, please for the sake of Merlin, confirm you are called Wormtail because of your Animagus form._

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

I, Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail, recieved my nickname through my Animagus form, not for anything relating to that nature.

-Peter Pettigrew

::

_**In cut up letters from the Quibbler**_

_Dear 13 year old Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Lucius, Bellatrix, Tom Riddle Jr., and other Death Eaters,_

_HA! So I got you! Now that you've read this enchanted letter, the next mean thing you d will turn you into an adorable, harmless, bunny rabbit. And you will stay that way unless you regret whatever it is you did._

_Sincerely, Someone you'll NEVER find out!_

_**A Hello Kitty sticker is used as the return**_** address.**

Dear Someone,

WHAT!? How DARE you, you little CENSORED *turns into bunny rabbit*

-Bunny rabbits that once were Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Lucius, Bellatrix, Tom Riddle and various Death Eaters

**A/N: Aaaaaaaaand I began writing this Friday night, and now, I'm home with what I believe to be the flu. I've finished a book, watched part of Grease, and completed the chapter of my most reviewed fic. All in all, this is probably the most entertaining thing I've done today. So, remember, review/submit, and feel free to PM me about anything. I really am bored, as well as in utter misery, so I'd like contact with someone aside from my parents. **

**On the plus side, I saw my crush yesterday :D yup, still cute **


	12. Chapter 12

******A/N: Kay, so here we go with another chapter! Sorry not everyone's questions are being answered in this chapter, I promise that I will eventually get to it sometime this week. **

******Dis**claimer:****** If I owned Harry Potter, you'd hear me bragging about it.**

_Dear Nymphadora Tonks,_

_What do you think of the stories where they portray you as an evil seducer who doesn't look anyting like the film or book *cough cough 'the cheat' cough*_

_From, LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI_

Dear LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI,

Normally, after I discover these stories, I get really mad and grumpy, and end up sulking in front of the telly, watching football. Seeing as this is the only time I watch football, my wonderful husband Remus gets me pint of Ben and Jerry's to cheer me up. With a loving, adorable, sweet, adoring guy like my husband, I'd have to be pure evil to do something as heartless as that. Not to mention, I love Remus to death, I could never do that to him.

-Tonks

::

_Dear Ginny,_

_How did you put up with Harry's rejection for five years without hating him? And which one of your pre Harry boyfriend did you prefer?_

_-LinaRush_

Dear Lina,

I admit, I was rather peeved with Harry after he somewhat led me on for a while there. Has he even read fairy tales? After you save a beautiful young woman, you're supposed to marry her or kiss her, or something like that! No I don't care if he was only twelve! It could have been a kiss on the cheek! Besides, anyway, Hermione's plan of me dating guys to spark a bit of jealousy worked well for me, didn't it? Ha ha HA! Now anyways, I think my favorite boyfriend before Harry was most likely Dean. He was a gentleman, not mention, he was a WONDERFUL snogger *don't tell Harry or Ron!*

-Ginny Weasley-Potter

::

_Dear Harry,_

_Why didn't you just take Romilda Vane to Slughorn's party?_

_-LinaRush_

Dear Lina,

I had a lot of things on my mind; defeating Voldemort, my feelings for Ginny were running rampant, I was too braindead and out of my mind to question Hermione when she told me not to ask Romilda to the party. Luna seemed like better option. Besides, I'd kind of be leading Romilda on if I had asked her. I mean, I obviously loved Ginny. Deep down.

-Harry Potter

::

_Dear Hermione,_

_What was your first reaction when you discovered that you were a witch? Did you scream?_

_-LinaRush_

Dear Lina,

Yes, in fact, I DID scream. However, shortly after a while, I fainted. But, I regained conciousness, and screamed again. It took a while getting used to.

::

_Dear Neville, _

_Did you ever find out that you were almost the Boy-Who-Lived? If so, how did you react?_

_-LinaRush_

Dear Lina,

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! I WAS ALMOST THE CHOSEN ONE?! I'm just kidding, I knew already. I found out just before my fifth year. I was so scared, kind of nervous, but relieved that I, silly Neville Longbottom, didn't have to fight Voldemort. But I felt so guilty, because instead, it was Harry. So I felt it was my duty to fight Voldemort in any way possible, not only to pay back to Harry, or do what was right, because it could have been me.

-Neville Longbottom

**A/N: I am super pissed right now at this one girl in my class. She is seriously the most homophobic person I ever met. Like, don't worry, if you don't support gay rights like I do, I won't judge you or anything. But if she thinks something is stupid or weird, she'll call it gay. Seriously. Of course, she's one of the popular girls at my school. I don't hate all people who are popular, but the snobby ones who think they're more superior than thou are the ones I strongly dislike. Which, they have no reason to, because they're all fugly as fuck.**

**...sorry, I tend to get upset over these things. A good chunk of my peers all suck. **

**So after that anger filled and actually quite mean rant *which I once again apologize about, I'm just pretty worked up about this*, don't forget to review and don't hate me!**

**By the way, over my illness, WOOHOO!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N**:** Holy crap on a cracker you guys! We've got almost 50 reviews for this story! I want to thank everyone who's reviewed, you are all amazing! Except for Enchiladas...JK! But I am miffed that you called me an assquack. Shame on you.**

**Disclaimer: I have a confession to make guys, and I know this will come as a shock to you all but...*breaks down and sobs* I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! **

_Dear Harry,_

_Whenever I watch re-runs of Avatar: The Last Airbender, I feel as though you and Aang have a lot in commmon. If you had watched A:TLA SE03 before the Battle of Hogwarts, would it have affected your decisions in any way? If so, how?_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

I don't believe my actions would have been affected had I watched that episode. I'm one of those guys who wings it and hopes for the best..

::

_Dear James and Sirius, _

_If you could meet Harry's son, the one who was named after him, what words of advice would you give him and is their any family heirloom you would give him so he could continue the Marauders mischevious ways?_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

If I could meet my grandson, I'd let him know that sacrificing yourself for the ones you love is worth it. I'd tell him that he shouldn't bully anyone, because Merlin knows how much I regret bullying Severus Snape. And I'd certainly hope I wouldn't have to be the one to give little James the Marauders Map or the Invisiblity Cloak, but if Harry were to be selfish, I'd smuggle them for my grandson.

Dear Guest,

Well, if could give so advice to James Jr., I'd let him know that friends like the ones I had are the best friends a guy could have. Honestly, I'd be some bigoted slimeball if it weren't for them. As for a family heirloom for Jamesie, I'd give him the letter from his grandmother to me. Y'know, the one where it's talking about Harry flying about and knocking over vases and bothering the cat? That way, in case he's done something Harry isn't thrilled with, he can use it as BLACKmail! Geddit, 'cause my last name's Black...oh you're no fun.

-Sirius Black

::

_Dear Ron,_

_In the light of the events in Book 7, do think if Snape had survived, that he would've been nicer to you and Harry? Also, how did you feel when Aberforth Dumbledore said with your brains, you could've been a Death Eater because you asked if he had the silver doe Patronus after he said his Patronous was a goat?_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

I don't think Snape would've been nicer to me after the war. Maybe Harry, yeah, but I don't think he'd have any reason to be nicer to me. And when Aberforth made that little comment, I was mostly angry at him deep down, first for insulting me, and secondly for embaressing me in front of Hermione *blushes*

-Ron Weasley

::

_Dear Harry,_

_Did you ever forgive Umbridge for all she did to you? If no, what would you do if you had her as your prisoner? What really happened to her after the war? Did you ask Kingsley Shacklebolt to send her to Azkaban?_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

Let's just say that some dreams do come true and that being Head Auror has its benefits. Last I heard, Delores Umbrige apparently was "enjoying" her lifelong stay in Azkaban *grins evilly*

-Harry Potter

::

_Dear Prof. Snape,_

_You seem pretty sad. Want a puppy or a kitten?_

_-Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

I would like a small fluffy orange kitten that I can name Mr. Paws. That is all.

-Severus Snape

::

_Dear Trelwaney,_

_How do you get accurate readings fron a Magic 8 ball? Is it even possible?_

_-Saeryen_

Dear Saeryen,

You see, my dear, only a certain gifted few are blessed with the Inner Eye, like myself as well as the great Mitt Romney.

-Prof. Trelwaney

Dear Saeryen,

We apologize for Prof. Trelwaney's strange letter. The best that our new nurse, a Miss Way, who is temporarily filling in for Madame Pomphery as she is on holiday with her millionaire boyfriend Roldopho, claims that the professor is addicted to "voldmortseruum". We have no idea what this means.

-Prof. McGonagal, Headmistress of Hogwarts

::

_Dear 13 year old Tom Riddle,_

_Where do you see yourself in ten years?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

I see myself in a hot tub with George Takei. Of course I see myself dominating the world, where else would I be?

-Tom Riddle Jr.

::

_Dear Draco,_

_Just admit your love for Hermione Granger, you assquack._

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

I'll admit my nonexistant love for Granger when you admit your love for Parker Smith. *inside thing*

-Draco Malfoy

**A/N: That's enough letters for today, so remember, submit/review and I shall update soonish. By the way, the fiftieth reviewer recieves a virtual snogfest with any character of your choice.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: So here I am, updating onnce again. Hopefully, I'll update soonish, but right now I'm in a musical right now, so there will be days I definately can't update :( sorry about that, but I love being in plays, its so fun! Am I right?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, because believe me you'd KNOW if I wrote it. I'm sure you've sure you've noticed that I'm possibly crazier than the beloved J.K Rowling.**

_Dear Golden Trio,_

_Do you consider Snape a hero for what he did against Voldemort, or a bully for how he treated you? Could he possibly be both?_

_-Shinobi of the Satchigan_

Dear Shinobi,

I say that Snape was a hero. Although he wasn't very nice to me as a student, he obviously trusted me, and not to mention, I named my son after him. He loved my mother enough to want to help me in the war.

-Harry

Dear Shinobi,

This is just my opinion, but I think Snape was a bully. He never liked me, and was real jerk. Not to mention, he insulted my wife. As a teacher, thats a shitty thing to do. Sure, he may have convinced Harry that he was a hero, but all I ever knew Snape as was the greasy git of a teacher he was.

-Ron

Dear Shinobi,

I suppose Snape could be both. See, I get where Harry's coming from, sacrificing himself to help the cause, and also believing for what he stood in. In that respect, Snape wtas a very noble, very brave man. But he also was terrible, to not only Ron as well as I, but he was to other students as well. So, while some of his contributions were very admirable, he left the impression with many of his students that he was an unjust, unfair, and despicable man all around.

-Hermione

::

_Dear Ron and Draco,_

_Scorpius and Rose are dating._

_-a Scorrose shipper_

Dear Scorrose Shipper,

WHAT? OH, HELL NO! NO DAUGHTER OF MINE WOULD SINK SO LOW AS TO DATE MALFOY'S DEMON SPAWN! BLOOD WILL BE SHED IN THE HOUSE OF MALFOY!

-an enraged Ron Weasley

Dear Scorrose Shipper,

Find Scorpius Hyperon Malfoy for me, NOW, so that I can give him a very long, detailed lecture on how Malfoy's do not become so desperate as to succumb to the Weasley's ginger charms. We Malfoy men are strong and proud, and will not date filthy bloodtraitors like the Weasley's.

-See-I'm-Good-At-Holding-in-my-Temper Draco Malfoy

::

_Dear Dudley, _

_Did you like it when Harry called you Big D in Book 7?_

_-LinaRush_

Dear Lina,

Actually, I did. I suppose it kind of was Harry's way of saying "we're cool" even though when I was younger I treated him poorly. I guess I'm happy to know Harry's got my back, seeing as I hear he kicked that Lord Voldypork or something like that's arse, and he kicked it hard.

-Dudley Dursley

::

_Dear Umbridge,_

_I really like you as a villain but one question; what's your opinion on the fact that almost everyone in the books and in the fandom hate your guts?_

_-Roastie_

Dear Roastie,

I say, haters gonna hate. It's not my fault everyone is so jealous that they don't have a high ranking job and have seen Cornelius Fudge with every article of clothing removed from his body.

-Delores Umbridge

**Ninja takes one look at letter, sees the last sentence, and promptly barfs.**

::

_Dear Voldemort,_

_What's your opinion o how many sons and daughters you have in Fanfiction?_

_Sincerely, Roastie_

_P.S,: I ship you with Bellatrix_

Dear Roastie,

I can't believe people think that if were to subject myself to such a human task a procreating, I'd take necessary percautions. Just because I happen to be THE dark lord doesn't mean I don't know how to walk into a Walmart, Avada everyone nearby, and steal a box of condoms. Secondly, all of you seem to think Bellatrix is my mate. First of all, Bellatrix is a married woman, and secondly, if for some reason I desired children, I wouldn't care if she wer married or not, she would be the perfect mother for the children of the dark lord. So none of these OCs, got that?

-Lord Voldemort

**A/N: There we go, this chapter is officially completed! Now, I'll go eat ramen noodles, watch TV for hours on end. By the way, if there's any questions you have that you want to ask me, I'll answer them! So review/submit!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hey, guys! I apologize for not updating sooner, it just seems as though it has been drama everyday, with crisises popping up randomly. It kinda sucks. **

**Discaimer**_:_** C'mon guys, you should know the drill by now.**

_Dear Harry and Snape, _

_What do you think of Snarry?_

_-finlun 11_

Dear finlun 11,

*promptly vomits*

-Harry Potter

Dear finlun 11,

I am disgusted anybody would think I would stoop as low as to find myself involved in a relationship with Potter's demon spawn. I do not care that he inherited Lily's eyes, it is uncouth, revolting, and disturbing.

-Severus Snape

::

_Dear Remus and Sirius,_

_What do you think of Wolfstar? *grins evilly*_

_-Guest_

Dear Guest,

Ew! No! SO GROSS! The horror! Brain bleach, BRAIN BLEACH!

-Sirius Black

Dear Guest,

I am married to Nymphadora! I have absolutely NO interest in Sirius!.*shudders*

::

Dear_ Voldemort,_

_Have you ever considered getting yourself a fake nose? Michael Jackson did and he turned out just fine. Until he died. O.e_

-_Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

No, I have not. A Dark Lord really has no use for something trivial as a silly nose. Besides. I've been told multiple times by Bellatrix that I look sexy without a nose.

-Lord Voldemort

::

_Dear Dumbledore and Harry, _

_What do you think of the manipulative!Dumbledore stories?_

_-Shaystorm_

Dear Shaystorm,

They're so ridiculous! Dumbledore is harmless! Like a little bunny. But I admit, he was totally at fault when it came to the Horcrux crisis. That was so screwed up, making me go on some crazy wild goose chase.

-Harry Potter

Dear Shaystorm,

I admit, these stories make me out to be some cruel cruel man. I assure you, I am not that type of person. And I was NOT screwed up, Harry, it was for your own damn good, so zip it!

-Albus Dumbledore

**A/N: Viola! Its completed! Now go be loyal little reviewers/submitters and do your thing! **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hey, sorry guys! *dodges assorted vegetables* I haven't updated in like forever, but I've had all kinds of drama and an assload of homework. So once again, sorry, and here's your chapter!**

**Disclaimer: It's not mine. **

_Dear Slytherins of Harry's year,  
During the battle of Hogwarts, why didn't you guys just drop the junior Death Eaters' act and side with the Order? I refuse to believe that all of you are so bad! After all, Regulus Black changed eventually!_

_-Smayrie _

Dear Smayrie,

Uh, um, see, uh...IT WAS PANSY'S FAULT!

-All the Slytherin's in Harry's year excluding Pansy.

_::_

_Dear Harry Potter (16 years),_

I...I LOVE YOU! I've loved you since I was nine. I want to be with you forever. I want us to go exploring around the world together and see rainforests and caverns and deserts and - sorry, that's my love for the computer game Barbie Explorer coming out, but still! I promise I will do whatever it takes to protect you from Voldemort because I LOVE YOU!

Love,  
Saeryen 

Dear Saeryen,

Um, thanks. I'm sorry, but I'm dating Ginny right now (but if we were to ever break up, I'd think about it.) By the way, where were you when I needed you for Slughorn's party?

-Harry Potter

_::_

_Dear Voldemort's ugly fetus thingy,_

What is the worst thing about being an ugly fetus thingy in the middle of nowhere?

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

Reading Twilight or 50 Shades of Gray. Trust me, its nothing but a waste of money and time.

-Voldemort

::

_Dear Weasley's, Hermione, and Harry,_

_I have proof of that Ron has learned a spell that lets him travel the multiverse and has become an assassin who smokes wacky tabacky (wild target), became legendary punk rocker Cheetah Chrome and showed an American girl his magic wand when she asked was he a natural Ginger and she was impressed by his...wand (CBGB), he did a lot of stuff in another universe that well he meet a gitl fought with his 'friend' over her got laid and threw a huge party in this big gymnasium (Cherrybomb), and was a teenage poet with mom issues and a version Mrs. Weasley was in that one as an eccentric actress telling him to do things she wouldn't (Driving Lessons). Watch *shows the last spell on Ron's wand is Salire multiverse (multiverse jump*_

_-Winged-panther1_

Dear Winged-panther1,

Thank you very much, dear. Ron and I certainly have a lot to talk about now. If you'll excuse me...RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY, GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!

-Molly Weasley

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

Wait, so Ron lived as... a muggle? How very interesting! Ron, son, can you explain how Muggles use that one thing called a toothbick? *Mrs. Weasley glares daggers* I mean, that was very very wrong of you, Ron.

-Arthur Weasley

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

What?

-Bill

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

Wait, so Ron ISN'T gay? Huh. Strange. I always just assumed he was, you know.

- Fleur Weasley

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

Nice one, ickle Ronniekins! You're a man now!

- Fred Weasley

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

So I take it Hermione can't quite tame you. You're quite the hellion, Ronnie. You've made me proud!

- George Weasley

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

What the hell, Ronald? Hermione will be devastated! Just because you're tapping that now doesn't mean she'll stay with you!

-Ginny

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

That's right, Ron. I'm witholding sex.

-Hermione

:

Dear Winged-panther1,

First of all; EW, you two have DONE that? That's disgusting? Secondly, you aren't breaking up with him? He CHEATED on you, for Merlin's sake! Third of all, drugs aren't cool, Ron.

-Harry Potter

::

**A/N: Viola! Now, review! Submit! Stay away from drugs! Don't cheat on your girlfriend!**

** By the way, I'm in the process of writing a crackfic about crazy Dumbledore, tuned for that. Also, REVIEWER POLL! Kay, so which Hogwarts house are you in? I myself am a Ravenclaw!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Here we go! Quick little update for all of you! **

**Disclaimer: FanFICTION. **

_Dear Dominique ,  
do you ever think that you are outshadowed by Victoirie or louis ? do you feel annoyed about all the attention that james, albus and lily and hugo and rose get? what do you think of the pairing Domville ?  
Larrissa  
ps do you have ginger or blonde hair?_

Dear Larrissa,

Yeah, I suppose Victoire and Louis get more attention than I do, but I'm cool with it. Victoire is a drama queen, and Louis is kind of a , but he somehow still has a whole swarm of girls going after him. And James, Al, Lily, Rose and Hugo are all more famous than my siblings and I, but their influence does help us a lot. In my third year, there was circulating about Hogwarts that claimed Louis, Vikki, and I were all werewolves, but James, Al, and Rose stepped up and defended us. Sure, it get's annoying but whatever. When it comes to Domville, I will say this; Professor Longbottom IS hot.

-Dominique Weasley

P.S.: I'm a ginger :)

::

_Dear Hermione,  
How did your parents react to accidental magic when you were younger?  
-Bones_

Dear Bones,

My parents were extremely... surprised. After all, my first time I accidentally used magic, I was three and wanted a teddy bear and the toy store. My mother wouldn't buy it for me because I already had bought four new books. Needless to say, when I couldn't have my teddy bear, nobody else could either. It exploded. My mother looked as though she were about faint.

-Hermione Granger

::

_Dear Dudley,  
Did you ever reform your ways and make up with Harry? How?  
-Bones_

Dear Bones,

I guess I reformed. Y'know, in the last book? We visit each other every few years, and send Christmas cards.

-Dudley Dursley

::

_Hey Ron,_

_ Scorpius got signed as seeker for the cannons._

_-Winged-panther1_

Dear Winged-panther1,

*rages and swears under his breath* stupid bloody Malfoy, always has ruin everything! DAMN YOU!

-Ron Weasley

**A/N: REVIEW! SUBMIT! MAKE RAMEN NOODLES! **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hey, guys, so I have something to address; the end of this story. I'm thinking I'll end up ending it around 21 chapters, just everyone is aware. I may restart it some point in the future, so keep following it! :-)**

**Disclaimer: Ninja owns nothing. Ain't nobody got time for that. **

_Dear Quirrell,_

_Did Voldemort and yourself ever share beautiful music numbers with each other?_

_-Enchiladas_

Dear Enchiladas,

Maybe...possibly...we could have occasionally.

-Quirrell

::

(Note: The characters with be confirming or denying the following statements here, with a good explanation behind it)

::

_Dear Hermione,  
You once had a crush on Harry in the film series._

_-Smayrie_

Dear Smayrie,

No. While have always admired Harry, I never viewed him in a romantic way.

-Hermione

::

_Dear Draco,  
You joined the Order after the war._

_-Smayrie_

Dear Smayrie,

Yes, because I wanted to people to know and realize that I had changed for the better.

-Draco Malfoy

::

_Dear Salazar Slytherin,  
You always feel proud when people say that most dark wizards come from Slytherin house because this is what you always wanted._

_-Smayrie_

Dear Smayrie,

Yes...and no. Yes, because I am proud in a sense that my descendents and those who are like us have so much power and influence over people, but no because wasn't my intention.

-Salazar Slytherin

::

_Dear Ron,  
If you were confronted by a Boggart, it will take the form of Harry&Hermione kissing (after turning into a spider) because this is your greatest fear._

_-Smayrie_

Dear Smayrie,

Yes, because although I know they only love each other like siblings, that image has haunted me until this very day because I did see that image once before, and it about killed me.

-Ron

::

**A/N: I have a new story up now, and it's classic Romione moments...with their gender's swapped, along with everyone else's. Thanks for reading! **


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